OK, so I am sure that I am going to get "tagged" for this blog but I have to say this is a bunch of bull crap. I went to http://www.ready.gov and here is this crap about Get A Kit, Make A Plan, Be Informed. Does this not sound like something out of 1960, Stop, Drop and Roll. Oh yeah some paper from Uncle Sam is gonna get me so informed that I and unarmed citizen is gonna know what to do if terrorist ever invade the country, not that that is likley to happen. Then make a plan, that the hell? Are you really writing this to the American public, 99% of us would turn against our own kin, push come to shove.

The point is instead of the current site it should read Get a Clue, Make Sense and well, the last part it great BE INFORMED! Yeah why don't we all do this part BE INFORMED. Know what this government is doing, get rid of this Republican crap and lets get someone in office that will DO something for us.

DO SOMETHING NOW, BE INFORMED!

That is right, I have not posted in quite sometime and that is because I have been a busy busy boy. I sold my house, quit my job, moved to San Antonio. I am still with Jim and happier than ever. The hurricanes, insurance, and high prices of everything in paradise wore thin. I decided to move to a place where I could finally get ahead in life. I have regretfully left many friends behind, but the way I see it they are not gone they are just a short plane ride away. Now they have a place to stay in Texas and I have a place to stay in Florida. I will miss everyone, but I will not miss the high cost of living. I am actually excited about having a real fall, winter, spring and summer. Christmas (as you all know I love to decorate for) will feel more like Christmas when there is a slight nip in the air.

I will try to post once a week and post some great pictures.

OK so I have not posted in a long time. I know. The truth of the matter is. I am not sure how much I will be posting here. I have decided that too much of what I say here is negative and therefore not the best thing. I want my life to be about the good things in it not focused on the negative. I have also decided that I don't need to tell the world about every detail of my life.

I will still post thoughts about life and things like that. I want to attract people to my life that bring good things to it not the oppisite. Therefore, let me tell you all about the good things lately.

I am ready for the bike ride, I rode 75 miles on Saturday and I feel great. I feel healthy, I feel strong and I actually happy about the 35 pounds I have lost recently.

Life is really good. I tend not to write here when all is going well and then slink back to in when life is in a downward swing. So this is the first effort to change that.

I am sure that it is just me, but lately i have spent a lot of time alone. I have always said that I know I am a good person. well maybe I shouldn't be so sure of myself. There is always the option that I am just being too melodramatic too. I just Feel alone. everyone rushes of off the phone as if I am a burden. I have decided that maybe I need to let everyone have sometime away from me. I know how annoying I can be. So I am going to just back off.

Well I guess I have have broken my own rule! I have always said that I would put everything out in the open. Here I sit in violation of my own rule. ShowMe has shown up here a few times. The fact is I have been seeing him for two months. The scary part is I don't think he realizes how long it has been or how close I feel to him. ShowMe has been great to me! He is caring and he sees the world from the optimistic world that I always pretend to see things thru. The fact is; and this is worse than everything I have ever said here, My life is not as bad as this blog may seems to make it. The fact is I am surrounded by love. I have refused to state it here because. . . it would mean that there is nothing to bitch about. I have friends that love me, and a family that though they have no idea what reality is; love me in a way that is all their own. Reality is I am a long way from where I used to be, I am not that 14 year old kid that was a dork in school. Don't get wrong I am still a dork, but I am not rejected. I am loved. For some reason, my friends love me for that same reason thos guys used to tease me in school. I am not sure what that means, I have been so used to being the guy that never fits in that sometimes I let past events control where my future goes. How do you let go of the fact that you are no longer judged by what you were in the past? Maybe you just do that! Let go! That is not like me! I do not let go of things easily! Maybe just maybe I am NOT what I was back then. I pretend that I have never changed. The fact is I am much more. . . hmmmmm DEEP than I was back then. Perhaps 20 years has caused me to mature just a little (mind you a little) but perhaps; like the old Dusty Springfield song I should ask myself, am I the same boy I used to be? Perhaps, just maybe, I am not that dork of a guy that I used to be and if I am maybe what others used to tease me about is just what the RIGHT people in my life like about me.

So instead I will say to all my friends and to ShowMe

"Hello old frinds
There's really nothing really new to say
but the old old story bear repeating
and the plain old truth grows stronger everyday
when you find something worth believing
That's a joy that nothini' can take away"
Rich Mullins - Hello Old Friends

I did say after all that I would be more positive this year. So instead of saying how I have spent years trying to figure out where I have been going, I guess I should, look around me and see where I have arrived. Where I am is a really good place to be, surrounded by friends and loved.

Well not the way that Hank William's Jr. meant.  I mean "OUR" family!  I was sitting around tonight and I realized that my friends and I have a lot of things that we tend to do every year.  Some of those things have turned into traditions.  I started to realize that in the gay community the term family is used to to refer to other members of the gay community.  Then I started thinking about that even more.  My friends are more like family to me than my actual family is.  Don't get me wrong my family is wonderful, but we have no traditions, there is no one thing that we all do that is us, yet my friends have a ton of things that are US.  They are the sort of things that I look forward to.  I would like to share some of these traditions, I think it shows that Family is what you make it.

Sacrifice to Poseidon - This is a tradition that is perhaps the most bizarre of all of them.  It involves going to the beach (Sebastian of course) on 4th of July while the fireworks blaze over the beach.  Wading out into the water, removing your underwear and tossing them out to sea.  There is no sense in trying to understand this! This is just one of those things that happen and you can't ask why.

Fermented Foreign Fruit - This is one that I know right where it started.  On Christmas, one of I always give a friend a bottle of Amarula, if you have never had this it is a great Cream Liqueur from South Africa, the tradition then takes a turn in that the next time I go to this friend's house he always offers me the first glass of this tasty treat.

ABC Easy as 123 - This tradition is a little gross. It involves me and one friend both having a stick of Orbit gum, and when we see each other we immediately take the gum out of our mouth and switch.  This MUST be done in a bar in front of everyone.  I am not sure HOW we started it, but it is sort of a bizarre bonding experience.

Stab it, Crack it, Drop it - This one is just pure white trash. Wherever there is a festival, street fair, or outdoor concert that serves beer in a can.  We all take an unopened beer, stab the bottom of the can to make a hole, then you hold the hole to your mouth using your tongue to hold in the beer.  Then you crack the can and all drink as quickly as possible.  When finished you drop the can.  The first one to drop their can wins.  This is called shot-gunning, but the fact we always do it at these special events is something that is just US.

COWBOY! - This is more of a rule than it is a tradition but this is the way it goes.  When in a bar if anyone says "Oh there is my cowboy" to another friend it means You have to pretend to be my partner of 7 years, we are monogamous and very jealous.  We use it to ward away those that are ummmm weird, scary, bizarre, and will not take no as an answer.

A Toast - This is just fun.  Basically we make a toast but it always involves some sort of dirty, disgusting, and sexually explicit saying.  Beside how many times can you say Cheers or Slainte.

Well those are just a few of this unique things that make me and my friends special, there are others but I think this post is getting a little too long as it is! 

So here I sit at jury duty. I an bored and just want to be home. How many times will you hear ME say I would rather be doing laundry. I could end up here for two weeks if I an selected. If not them I should be a free man tomorrow.

Yes I know it has been awhile since I have written but I have been busy with a little bit of site design. As you can all see there is a new link! The SMART Ride link and blog are now up and running. I want to follow in the steps of last year and say a few things to some people that mean a lot to me this year.

Jim
We have been through good and bad, happy and sad, and not the least of these vacations! We may not be together but we will never grow apart. You meant the world to me and I care about you more than you will ever know. I wish you the best in everything you do and try not to become a stranger.

Justin
You have been my best friend this year, you have seen me go from bad to worse and back to good again. We have a friendship that I have needed for a very long time. I feel that I can tell you anything and it will be 'OK'. You may not make it better, you don't always agree, but just the fact that you are there for me makes it all better.

Scott
I have really been able to get to know you better than ever this year, you have a heart of gold. I have realized that you bring a certain sense of reliability to everyone's life. In the midst of a storm or when the seas are calm you remain unmoving in your belief in people and things. That is a great gift and we are all lucky that you have it.

Pat
What can I can say, you remain and will remain the one that grounds my life. Many people may not understand you but you ALWAYS have my best interest at hand. I do not always take your advice but that doesn't mean it is not heard and taken to heart.

Michael
I know that we have just met but there is something about you that most men in Fort Lauderdale do not posses. I can't even say what that something is. I know it makes me want to be a better person, it makes me smile and it makes me want to see you more and more. Here is to a year of us finding out more about each other.

Forrest
WOW! WOW WOW WOW! As you would say, it has been a year almost! Time flies! I am so glad to have been able to get to know you this year. You are a wonderful person and without offending anyone I can say the most compassionate person that I have ever met in the gay world or strait. Anyone that has meet you knows that you are filled with a light that is bigger and brighter than one could ever imagine. Thank you for being you!

My Online Friends
There are too many of you to name, you know who you are! From England to Orlando you are all over this country and the world. I talk to you, joke with you and you are as much a friend of mine as any of the people mentioned above. You have given me someone to talk to on those nights alone. Though I have never met 99% of you I know that we will always talk!

If you name was not mentioned above it does NOT mean I do not think about you. The people above have been there for me in very special ways in the last year, they are the ones that have let me bitch, whine, and at times cry to them. The ones that when my life seemed just a little to hard for me to bear, they said "Come on, we will help you carry that load". I have said it many times this year and I will say it again The people that have been in my life this year are some of the best people that I have ever known. It seems I have found the people that will be my friends for life!

Well, I have not been sleeping well (Long Story) but, last night I went to ShowMe's house for dinner some wine andrelaxation.  It was a good night, I had a few glasses of wine,cuddled on the couch and then had a GREAT dinner.  We went to bed (Yes I stayed there) at a very reasonable time and therefore, I finally got a good night of sleep in.  There is nothing worse than not sleeping well, but there are good reasons for the lack of sleep, consequently I will NOT be posting those here, if you know me well you already know why.  If you don't then, well . . . you should get to know me better. 

In a side story, HollaBackBoy was supposed to come to my house for Christmas, again like he has done several times in the past, he never showed, never called. . . NOTHING.  Well, I was pissed, not only at the fact that he was rude but the fact that I could have made other plans for Chistmas and instead I sat home alone until 5 pm.  I had decided that I was not calling him back.  Well, last night he calls me, and leaves a message saying "Are you going out tonight, it has been a while I would sure like to see you".  The word's "Get the fuck out of here" crossed my lips as I listened to the message.  I talked to him later and he said he was sorry and that he forgot, The problem is this is about the 8th time he has done it.  He then says I will make it up to you.  I don't want him to make it up to me, I want him to stop doing it to me.  So HollaBackBoy, STOP IT, if you make plans follow-up, or call and cancel, or show-up!  Otherwise, I am going to STOP making plans with you.  Am I being an ass here?  What do you all think?

I KNEW IT! This is proof that Fort Lauderdale is going to Hell. I just didn't know they had started decorating! I know that this is really 5 baseball diamonds with the in-fields facing each other but the circular road around the park makes it even worse. I know it is JUST a park but this is creepy if you ask me.

You can look it up on GOOGLE MAPS

What does this cool camel mean. Well it means that i can now post from my cell phone. This message is being sent that very way. The camel sits on my desk at work. This will also increase the number of spelling errors I am sure. Not to mention this opens the site to drunk blogging! This is going to be fun!

Well, here I sit, I went back and read a lot the posts I have posted in the last year. Wow, I guess I have been a little negative. I used to say that no matter what I would never become bitter. I have had a few bad steps in my life, at the same time I have had some really good ones. Sure I have had my set backs, but who hasn't. I have been really blessed. I have been given some of the best friends a person could ask for. I have been blessed to living paradise. This lady at work, many years ago, would never say anything bad about someone. Instead she would say "There but for the grace of God go I". Instead of looking at all the bad that has happened I think I should focus on all the good that I have been given.

I have been blessed with a nice home, good friends, and a very wonderful job. So, why do I focus on the negative? I guess it may be a little bitterness. I do not want to be bitter. I have too much to be thankful for. Therefore I am going to focus on the the good things that I have been given. I have been given men that love me, a family (even though they didn't have a lot of money) care for me, they gave me many virtues and qualities that I am proud to have. I have been given a group of friends that I would give my life for, and again I live in paradise. So instead of being negative I am going to spend the next year looking at all the good I have been given. . . why, well I guess. . . There but for the grace of God. . . things could be so much worse. There are so many with so much less than I. Thank you to everyone that has made my life so much better. Thank you all, and you know who you are, if you don't know who you are then I am going to make sure you do.

Yes, you read that right, 2000!  If you look at the main page you will see I have almost 1800 views of my sight.  I want to make it 2000, before the end of the year.  Pass my site around! If you know a website that allows you to post links, then post mine.  Come on, it is not like I am asking for money. . . that comes next week when I beg for money for the SMART RIDE!  WHY HAVE I GOT ZERO DONATIONS!  WHY!  It is a good cause and the fact that 1800 (almost) people have been here is perfect proof that you guys have been here.  DONATE or I WILL COME TO YOU ONE BY ONE AND MAKE YOU FEEL VERY UNCOMFORTABLE! $5, $10, $1000.  You know what you can give.  If I see a donation for you then I will leave you alone, otherwise as soon as Christmas is over you will feel VERY awkward at the strangest times, YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED, and if you think I am not talking you, you are wrong, I am serious.  I have to raise $1200 by March and that is NOT as far away as it seems. 

I put too much stock in people I don't know. . . and not enough in those I do.  I need to start caring more about those that mean something to me and less in those that don't care wether I live or die.

 

Here I sit, and I hoped so much that <new name> that  ShowMe would call. . . he never did. 

 

Thankfully BootScoot showed up and made my night a lot less lonely.  Tonight is one of those nights that I needed to feel special, and I just didn't.  I felt very. . . unwanted.  Thank you BootScoot for being there.

 

I know I could have called the phone works two ways. . . but sometimes I want to be the person that people really want to talk too, I want to be the one that that people are concerned about.  What would happen if I never called anyone, would anybody worry?  Really how many days would go by before someone would start to be concerned enough to realize something is wrong?  Is this the life I have set up?  It makes me wonder do I care enough about others?  I mean I have lived my life with the belief that you get what you give.  So am I getting what I have put out there?  If so I need to make sure I put more out there!  That is not a bad thing to do anyway.  I need to give more of myself anyway.

Well the house is all decorated and the lights are all up. I think I am the only person that may have ANY Christmas spirit this year. I know that money is sort of tight for every one but really we all have those decorations up in the attic and stashed in the closest's about the house. So why is everyone so down on Christmas? Have we lost the idea that we don't have to have money to make Christmas good? I hope to God we haven't. Christmas is more than that. I know it is an archaic idea. Maybe is is because when I was a kid I didn't get gifts. Not that I never got gifts but not every Christmas, sometimes there was just not enough money. We had to be happy being a family. I say we go back to that. Let's be happy being a family. If we don't stick together we will all just fall apart. So what now? What do we do? Do we pretend that Christmas doesn't exist or do we realize that Christmas is more than just gifts and realize it is who we have in our lives that makes Christmas truly great. I may not have a lot of money this year but for once in my life I have people that love me. I could care less what I get as long as those I love stay around. NOW GET OUT THOSE TREES AND LIGHT THE LIGHTS. IT'S CHRISTMASTIME AND YOU JUST HAVE TOO!

I wrote this poem sometime back and I just was reading my notebooks and found it and it seemed so appropriate still.

Night

The sheets are cool
My skin is warm
and I begin to reflect
I think of my day
the next one to come.
wiggle my feet
to warm the bed
arch my back
My back pops
I drift
I sleep
A sputter! A spurt!
The sprinklers begin
I wake with a start
The room is dark
I lay back down
I wake with the dawn
I reach out to my side
No one is there

By: Philip Thomas, 2005

What ever happened to those poeple that are stuck in the middle.  I am not poor but hell I am not rockafeller either.  Why does everyone have to pretend that money is never tight.  If you are the guy that has never has money problems and has never had to say "Well that is gonna have to wait" well good for you.  I stuggle, for the first time here I am going to lose all the pretense.  I am middle-class.  I sometimes have feast and sometimes famine.  Sometimes money is tight and sometimes it is all OK.  I am not rich, I am not poor.  I am just not that guy that can support a man.  I am not the guy that can flit off to multiple vacation in the bahama's or europe, I have to save for mine.  I think it makes them more special.  Yes, I have been to Paris, Belgium and Ireland, all over the US, but each vacation was earned and I worked hard and saved long for them.  Is it a turn-off that I am not the gay man that has "expendible income" maybe, if the amount of money that I have, or do not have is a deciding factor then you are just gonna have to get turned off by me.

Right now money is tight, am I squeezed TOO tight, not yet.  I will say that it is tighter than normal right now.  When I think of how things are right now I am reminded of a Jo Dee Messina song "I'm ALright"

"Been singin' for my rent and singin' for my supper
I'm above the below and below the upper rung
I'm stuck in the middle where money gets tight
But I guess I'm doin' alright

I'm all, I'm all, I'm alright
It's a beautiful day not a cloud in sight so I guess I'm doin' alright
o - oh, o - oh, I'm alright
Got a good old friend here with me tonight and I guess I'm doin' alright"

That is how it is, I'm Alright, but a few more dollars would certainly be alright right now!

OH SHIT it has hit me again, that overwhelming, underachieving, depressive, brooding feeling. I feel fat, ugly, unwanted and unworthy. I am throwing a little pity party over here, you are all welcome to join but if you start saying happy nice shit you have to leave. I am in my Smiths vs. REM mode. Actually the Smiths vs. REM would be be a funny fucking fight if you ask me.

I am in one of those NO BULLSHIT modes. If one person says I look good tonight I think I may just crack them in the damn head with a beer bottle. If they say I sing well I may just do the same. I am not handsome nor can I sing so stop with the bull shit.

I did say that I was in a depressive mood right

Ok seriously you have been warned! This post is NOT for the weak at . . . stomach. Well Sunday if elt like shit, fever, chills and just a general malaise. I went to bed at 8:30p and about 2:00 I awoke to the sheets, being soaked, not a little but SOAKED with sweat! What do I do, well I move to the other side of the bed of course, well around 3:00a I wake up to side two being soaked. Well it didn't matter cause I heard my Mom calling me for supper. I get up miserable and go downstairs and sit at the table (waiting for dinner that I didn't want to eat). Then I realize, hey this is my house, and my Mom doesn't live here and is in Mississippi, I was so delirious from the fever that I dreamed that she was calling me and it seemed so real I went down. Well the Tylenol must have kicked in and brought me back to reality. So I wake up feeling better and decide to go to work, a day of not misery but, just general yuckiness, was about me. Well I get home and have a nice bowl of chicken and barley soup. By the way I did say this is NOT the post for the weak at stomach right. Well I eat and I am feeling better. So I started setting up the Christmas Tree. I get out a few pieces and start getting sweaty. Well I decide I need to sit down, as I am sitting there I feel the first stomach rumble. I am think please don't let me puke. PLEASE DON'T LET ME PUKE! Well after 15 mins of resting the feeling passes. Whew crisis averted, I decide I am NOT getting in the attic for the rest of the things. I start chatting. Well right in the middle, I felt a little gas, so I decide to squeak one out, I mean I was home alone. Well Have you ever had that moment of panic (DON'T LIE) when you realize, there is NO FART THERE, it is all liquid! That pure panic the rush, I flew up the stairs faster than Oprah after a Chocolate Glazed Krispy Kreme. TOO LATE, I know have a pair of 2Xist's that are good for nothing but trash, I mean I am not gonna wash em! So embarrassing but as I have said 100 times I put the good and the bad here! Good news is after that I started feeling a lot better! I realize my Mom was right all these years what is wrong with me is that I am full of SHIT!

I was hoping that message would get your attention. I am signed up to the the SoutherMost HIV/AIDS bike ride. This is two day 165 mile bike ride goes from Miami to Key West. The ride will take place on March 30-31, 2007. This is the part where all of you come in. I need your support in order to do this ride. I must raise $1250.00 in order to be able to ride. Please if you are considering donating to anything this year let this be the thing you give your money too. 100% of the money raised goes to charity, NONE of the money is used to support the ride, pay for food or lodging. How many other charities that you know of can say the same!

I have never called my readers to action in the past. I am not asking you, I am begging you. Please make a difference in someone's life by donating what you can. I will be keeping you all up-to-date on my training, as well as the total amount that I have raised to date.

If you would like to read more about the ride please go to http://www.thesmartride.org

If you would like to make a pledge to me please click the "MAKE A PLEDGE" button below

Well I have thought about it and I never really do name changes on here, but MonsterSub will be no more.  Yes, the name really sucked from the start, it was unimaginative and boring.  So he shall now be known as BootScoot.  It is an inside joke and he will know who he is.  Why do I announce this name change. . .

Last night BootScoot and I went to Steel.  All was going well and good until BootScoot tried to teach this Brazilian guy how to line dance.  Well the guy was as stiff as a 2x4 and just wasn't getting it.  Well BootScoot just kept working with him and he started to get it.  Meanwhile this jackass (no he doesn't get a name here), come up and says to BootScoot "You don't know how to dance and you are teaching this guy all wrong".  Now from being BootScoot dance partner (JUST DANCE PARTNER, Get your minds out of the gutter) I can say that HE CAN DANCE.  This guy starts his version of a lesson and it didn't even resemble a two-step.  Now it has been brought to my attention that BootScoot was dancing with a cute boy, so therefore maybe this jackass (no that is not his name, he doesn't get one I said) was jealous and just wanted to dance with the cute guy.  Well What ever the case, this dude is no longer someone I care to associate with, I don't care if he does work for a very well known rodeo team or team rodeo.  Then the guy has the NERVE to invite us to the Sunshine Stampede Rodeo like we need a damn invitation from him, like we were not already planning to go, who did he think he was talking to some Rhinestone Cowboys, I have scrapped better shit than him off the bottom of my boots. Next time he is rude to my boy like that though I am going crack him head and fuck up that $15.00 K-mart hat he was wearing. 

That felt good! I haven't put a good bitch session up here in a long time.  Aside from that THANK GOD IT IS PAY DAY FRIDAY!  Daddy needs to get liquored up or laid.  Which ever comes first!

Well yesterday was a better day than Sunday.  That was good because I think some sort of tide turned, planets aligned, and wind blew.  Actually the wind did blow. . . my has it been windy the last few days.  That is another story.  Anyway, I went to lunch with SwarovskiBoy and he still wants to get back together. . .Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwkward.   Not really though, I do still have feelings for him, but I am not sure that we are walking in the same direction in life.  I am being a little selfish and wanting to go my own direction and I understand if he needs to go his.  The only concern is that he is a great guy and there is that *spark* there that I don't get with a lot of guys.  The further concern is that we kept getting into these fights, he wanted to stay home and I wanted to go out.  It was a constant battle.  I came to the conclusion that maybe I wasn't ready for a relationship yet.  If I am wanting to go out that much maybe I am still fighting for my freedom.

I went to a "friends'" house last night for a little fun. . . we shall call him SoulPatch.  Well SoulPatch I knew was going to be a lot of fun.  I knew that before I went over.  What I didn't expect was that he would be really intelligent, compassionate, and hung like a horse.  We never discussed the sizes of things and I never saw a picture.  I just thought that he would be a fun guy.  Well turns out he was a really fun guy, and all the other things I mentioned.  The only thing is I could not help but stare at his eyes, they were this cobalt blue color, I think I may have freaked him out by staring at them.  I just couldn't help it though.

SwarovskiBoy coming over today for dinner.  I baked a Snicker's Cheesecake with Khalua Ganache, I have to say it is killer, so we will have that for dessert.

Really all my exes do live in Florida.  I think I have emitted a ex-pheromone this week.  One that made them all come back and tell me that they wanted to be with me again.  One of them I understood, I won't say which one but they know who they are.  The others came out of the blue.  Don't get me wrong I am not saying that I not flattered.  I know me and I am a VERY hard person to be with.  I just don't understand why three of them chose the same weekend.  Then I got it.  There was a full moon this weekend.  That is why everything was all weird.

It was a good weekend though.  I was hoping to meet some friends from out of town but it never really worked out.  I hope to get to see them around the Gay Rodeo.  Aside from that I hung out with MonsterSub on Saturday night and then again on Sunday. It was a good weekend for the most part.  Let's just see how things go as that moon starts waning. 

OK so I log on to my webpage, now I know I have given LOTS of guys the address to my website and from the ticker you boys are going there.  So what gives?  Why is no one commenting to the BLOG.  I have to say I LOVE the feedback but I am not getting any.  I am going to be adding GUESTBOOK, if not today soon.  when it gets up you guys better sign it.

I like to read what other people put there.  Good, Bad, Ugly I leave it all there. So if you read a post and want to comment please do it, you can do it Anonymously, or add a name.  If you have a MY SPACE or your own blog give me the link and I will post it in the new up coming area that will be for friends website's.  I look forward to seeing some new comments in the next few days, or I am going to have to punish you, in a way I think is fitting.  

I have to say that is the most unique heading that I have used in a while, but not the worst. 

Last night was pretty uneventful, uneventful can be a good thing.  I went to MonsterSubs for his partners birthday party, it was good cause NCBoy, SwarovskiMan, and a few other people were there, we sat talked at a bit.  That was it really.  Then as I went to leave SwarovskiMan tells me he has something in the car to give me.  Well this is a sorry that goes back to the trip to Arizona with SwarovskiMan and Crossfire.  I had gone to Mexico and bought a piece of Oaxacan Black Pottery and some how on the trip back it was crushed.  Well I was devistated as that was the main thing I wanted to get from Mexico.   Well SwarovskiMan brought me back a piece from a Mexican Cruise that he had been on. Well it was NICE, really nice, one of the best examples of Oaxacan Pottery that I have seen in a long time, cut work, notch work, polished to a sheen but not glazed.  Really the perfect gift.  I was a bit blown away, more than a bit actually.  It was touching that the was thinking about me even though he was on an ultra cool and very party filled cruise.

I left there and went to Scandals for Karaoke.  It was fun, very subdued and uneventful.  I talked to a few friends and that was it.  It was home early, to bed early and up early.

I hope today turns out to be more fun, I am going to Steel for Line Dancing. 

I love Halloween, all the old drag queens, closet drag queens and freaks just pop out of the woodwork but that story is for later.

My evening started with a visit to the Chiropractor, which is always a good thing because he is so damn sexy.  I try to be professional and just end up flirting with him and stumbling over my word like a blubbering fool, you guys know how I get around someone I think is drop dead sexy, I seize up and can't talk.  Well he gets done with me and sends be to the massage guy'  well the massage guy was good, but I am not really a massage person.  Hurt me more than it helps, not had the Chiropractor been giving it I would have loved it but that was not the case.

I went to a guys house earlier, we shall call him, 420.  Well 420 has two puppies, coker spaniels, they were cute as could be but hyper as hell.  Well he wasn't there when I first got there he had to run down the street to get some reefer from the neighbor.  That was fine with me as you know I have no issues with pot.  When he got back we had a glass of wine, or three and then went to get dinner.  We went to a great little Cuban place on State Road 84 call El Tamarindo de something another.  GREAT food!  420 could not have been nicer. . .  until later.

I decided that I needed go to Alibi to see all the sights, well I get 420 a beer and he disappears, I drank mine, waited then drank his.  THEN he shows up and says I thought you were getting me a beer, I said "I DID but you were gone so I drank it"  Well he wanted to go outside and smoke.  Well smoking is not my favorite habit so I went back in the bar and told him I where I would be.  Again GONE for 45 minutes.  So I finally decide that I like him but, if he is going to wander I want to leave, as Alibi and I don't gel well.  I say my good-byes and decided to go to Scandals for a beer. 

When I walk in bam there is, we shall call him, FirstMan (don't ask why the name just accept it damnit it is my blog).  I meet FirstMan about a month ago, at Scandals and I just think he is cute as shit.  I have never done anything with him but I would!  We talk I had a beer, then I went home and went straight to bed.

Well camping was a lot of fun.  I built a fire, cooked some chili and had lot of fun.  Laying naked by the pool was fun.  I have to say there was ONE moment I wish I could erase, there was this British guy that was from Disney.  He wasn't a bad guy but I didn't want to sleep with him.  he ended up telling Crossfire that I was an ass and that I had hurt his feelings.  I have said it a million times and I will say it again.  Why when you want to sleep with me am I a hot man and someone you want to get to know but when I decide NOT to sleep with you I am an asshole.  The biggest kicker in all of this HE HAD  A PARTNER, why didn't they just go have fun.  Why am I am asshole because I didn't want to. 

The rest of the trip was great, I drank too much and ate too much and generally had a great time.  I wished some more of the boys would have come up but Swarovski was on vacation, MonsterSub had to work and I didn't even invite them knowing would be the case.  That and the fact I stay in too small of a room for anyone to come up. 

Here is a picture of me drunk around the fire. 

Well, I have to say that for the first time in a long time I am getting back to me. It has taken some time and I am working on it. I am also starting to get closure on a few things in my life. HollabackBoy let me know yesterday that he is pretty much not coming back to Fort Lauderdale, somehow just knowing that is better than hoping that he will, at least it is closure. Work is going along and I finally settled into the new role, which I now have a title for so I have closure there. Closure makes me a happy person, I can take good or bad, happy or sad. I just hate uncertainty. I like to have my lines drawn in a big old MARKS -A-LOT marker that says HEY this is what I am willing to tolerate.

On the upsideI am off work tomorrow and I am going camping. I always feel better when I get back from camping. It is making things seem great just knowing that I am going to be going is making me happy. Well I start it all off with Line Dancing at Steel tonight. So it seems like this is going to be a GREAT weekend. Very needed.

Well months have passed, life move on and Swarovski Boy and I are broken up. . . again. This time is the worst. This time reminds me of a poem by T. S. Elliot, it seems quite appropriate as it talks about the desert and says,

Life is very long

Between the desire
And the spasm
Between the potency
And the existence
Between the essence
And the descent
Falls the Shadow
For Thine is the Kingdom

For Thine is
Life is
For Thine is the

This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
Not with a bang but a whimper

A whimper. . . I have moved forward, notice I say forward not ON. On is so final, forward means I have taken the experience and grown. The difference is love, you don't move ON from love you just move forward, everytime I fall in love and it doesn't work I feel like I am more a ghost of myself than I am me, almost like an afterimage of who I once was. Like I am no longer real or myself but just a mimic of me that keep carrying out my actions.

I want to be ME again, the true me, the one that feels deeply and trusts with reckless abandon, only time will tell if that will happen, it may have time that changed me to begin with. Sometimes I feel like a 18 year old guy trapped in the life of this 30-something loser.

Does everyone wake up and wonder what the fuck happened to get them where there are. Successful or Not do people all wake up and go, what the hell happened with my life and when did I stop having control? I guess that happened to me. The thing about TIME is TIME cannot TELL. It won't give up any secrects.

I just need my friends, and I feel like I have distanced them too.

I can honestly say, right now, I am alone and no one GETS me.

Okay if you like blogging you are gonna LOVE this.  Windows has released a new product (for free) call Live Writer *BETA*.  Note that this is a beta product and it may just jack up your system.  I really don't think that it will.  It has a word interface and allow you to easily add pictures and change fonts, to add links and the like.  I have used it for the last two posts, this one and the one marked "Perfect Trip".  It has worked flawlessly on both.  The best part is you can blog when ever and where ever you like and save a draft, formatted, linked, with pictures and then just publish them when you are able to get an Internet connection.

You can find the software at Microsoft's Live Spaces.  It works with Windows Live Spaces, Blogger, LiveJournal, TypePad, WordPress and many others.  It also supports, BlogThis and MoveableType API. 

Trust me this is a great product!